Two strategies that I think will be especially helpful in resolving conflict with our daughter are the following:
· With regards to my daughter, I think it is important to use “I” statements as suggested by The Conflict Resolution Network (n.d.). The “I” message will be effective as I need to let her know how I am feeling about the issue (not attending school). I like that the “I” statement is a clear statement of how it is with me and how I would like it to be (The Conflict Resolution Network, n.d.). I believe that the “I” message will be a great starting point to having a productive conversation with my daughter.
· Engaging in dialogue with our daughter requires patience and focus. After the “I” statement I hope we can have a conversation. But before, the “I” statement, I really need to use the “going to the balcony” strategy as suggested by the Third Side (n.d.). I need to remind myself what is important, take a deep breath, take the time to prepare, to listen, and to identify my own emotions (The Third Side, n.d.). If I take my time to prepare, I hope that I can remain calm, listen to her point of view, and be able to hopefully openly discuss the problem. I know she will quickly become defensive, tell me not to worry, and try to brush me off, but it is important that I take the time to ask questions, and clarify what she is saying, and remained focused on her needs and my needs. Hopefully we can come to a solution together.
Wish me luck!
Update: I practiced what I wanted to say in the car on my way to pick up my daughter. My "I" message was clear (I think...), and when she became defensive, I told her that"this is how I feel." It really made her pause before she started speaking.... I really tried hard to be empathetic, ask questions, and to paraphrase what I heard her say. The challenge for me is to use the right words in responding (I found the whole process exhausting as you are listening more intently). You really do have to focus on what is being said. Although we did not come to a resolution, we did have a good conversation. Do we need to have another conversation.....ABSOLUTELY!
Update: I practiced what I wanted to say in the car on my way to pick up my daughter. My "I" message was clear (I think...), and when she became defensive, I told her that"this is how I feel." It really made her pause before she started speaking.... I really tried hard to be empathetic, ask questions, and to paraphrase what I heard her say. The challenge for me is to use the right words in responding (I found the whole process exhausting as you are listening more intently). You really do have to focus on what is being said. Although we did not come to a resolution, we did have a good conversation. Do we need to have another conversation.....ABSOLUTELY!
References
Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhg.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
The Third Side. (n.d.). The Third Side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/
Hi Tamara I realy enjoyed your suggestions for dealing with your daughter. I am going through the same situation with both of my girls and sometimes I get so frustrated that I shut down and I wont speak to them at all but since I started this course I have to try to practice what I preach and learn. Thank you once again
ReplyDeleteTamara,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is my poor parents. I was that teenage girl at one point always wanting to argue my point especially with my dad. But I all I wanted was for my father to acknowledge that he was hearing me. It was ok for us to disagree I just wanted to be heard.
It sounds like you made a good start with your daughter. Best of luck. Luckily I have a few more years untill the teenage years hit with my daughter.
Thanks for sharing.